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How to Stop Being Jealous When It’s Affecting Your Relationship

by tboanime@gmail.com

Last updated on November 20, 2025

A little jealousy is normal.
We’re human, we care, and we don’t want to lose the person we love.

But when jealousy turns into constant phone-checking, arguments, or anxiety every time your partner leaves the house, it stops being “cute” and starts damaging the relationship.

If you’ve noticed jealousy creeping into your calls, texts or dates – whether you’re in Naija or the diaspora – this is for you.

1. First, admit what’s really going on

Jealousy is usually a mix of three things:

Fear – “What if I’m not enough?”
Insecurity – “What if they find someone better?”
Past experiences – being cheated on, lied to, or abandoned.

You can’t change what you won’t name.
Instead of saying “I’m just angry”, try telling yourself the truth:

“I’m scared of losing them.”
“I don’t feel secure in this relationship yet.”

That honesty is the first step to changing the pattern.

2. Notice your jealousy triggers

Jealousy doesn’t come out of nowhere.
Pay attention to when it shows up:

When they like or comment on certain people’s posts
When they go out without you
When they mention a particular colleague or friend
When they reply late or go offline suddenly

Write your triggers down if you need to. You’re not being dramatic – you’re gathering data on your feelings so you can respond, not just react.

Ask yourself for each trigger:

“What exactly am I afraid this means?”
“Is there any real evidence, or is this a story my mind is creating?”

3. Separate facts from stories

Our brains love to fill in gaps with the worst-case scenario.

Fact:

“They replied after 2 hours.”

Story:

“They’re bored of me… They’re probably talking to someone else… I’m not a priority.”

The more you mix facts with stories, the more jealous and anxious you feel.

Practice this:

State the fact – what actually happened.
Name the story – what your mind is telling you.
Offer an alternative – at least one other possible explanation.

For example:

Fact: “He didn’t pick my call.”
Story: “He’s ignoring me on purpose.”
Alternative: “He might be driving, in a meeting, or his battery died.”

You’re not lying to yourself – you’re reminding your brain that your first fearful interpretation isn’t always the only one.

4. Talk about it without attacking

Jealousy becomes toxic when it turns into blame:

“You’re always flirting.”
“If you cared about me, you wouldn’t follow them.”
“Why are you always online but not talking to me?”

This usually makes the other person defensive and shuts the conversation down.

Instead, use “I feel… when… can we…?”

For example:

“I feel anxious when replies suddenly stop for hours. Can we agree on a quick check-in if you’ll be busy?”
“I feel uncomfortable when exes are still very close. Can we talk about boundaries that work for both of us?”

You’re not pretending you’re fine. You’re communicating in a way that invites solutions instead of war.

5. Agree on boundaries together

Jealousy sometimes shows you where boundaries are missing.
Healthy couples talk about and agree on things like:

What’s okay and not okay on social media (DMs, likes, flirty comments)
How much time with exes or certain friends feels respectful
What “being loyal” looks like in real life, not just in theory

Boundaries should feel balanced, not controlling:

❌ “You’re not allowed to talk to any opposite-sex friend again.”
✅ “I’m okay with you having opposite-sex friends, but I’d like transparency and for us to both avoid situations that look like flirting or secrecy.”

When you both help design the rules, they feel fair – and jealousy has less room to grow.

6. Work on your self-worth outside the relationship

Sometimes the real problem isn’t your partner – it’s how you see yourself.

Jealousy grows fast when you secretly believe:

“I’m not attractive enough.”
“My life is not interesting enough.”
“Anyone can replace me.”

Start building a life that you’re proud of with or without a partner:

Invest in your work or studies
Nurture friendships and hobbies
Take care of your body and mental health
Celebrate your wins, however small

The more secure you feel in yourself, the less you’ll panic about “competition”. You’ll know you bring something valuable to the table.

7. Check if your partner is fuelling your jealousy on purpose

Not all jealousy is “in your head”. Sometimes, the other person is:

Being secretive with their phone
Repeatedly flirting with others in front of you
Using jealousy to feel powerful (“I like when people fight over me”)
Dismissing your feelings every time you try to talk

In those cases, your jealousy is signalling that something is actually wrong.

Healthy partners don’t enjoy making you feel insecure. They:

Reassure you with words and actions
Adjust their behaviour when they see it’s hurting you
Take your concerns seriously, not as a joke or attack

If your partner constantly calls you “too jealous” but never looks at their own behaviour, you may need to re-evaluate the relationship – sometimes the solution is not “fix yourself”, it’s “choose better.”

8. When to get extra help

If jealousy is:

Making you want to go through phones, trackers or fake accounts
Leading to constant arguments and break-up threats
Causing panic attacks or obsessive thoughts

…then it may be time to get support:

Talk to a trusted friend who can be honest with you
Speak to a therapist or counsellor (many offer online sessions for Naija & diaspora)
Take a short break from the relationship to work on yourself, if needed

There’s no shame in needing help. You’re trying to protect something important: your peace and your relationship.