Why you’re still single, according to dating professionals

Why you’re still single, according to dating professionals

First, let’s clear something up:
Being single is not a disease. You’re not “behind in life” because you don’t have a partner right now.

But if you do want a relationship and it feels like nothing is working – matches fade, talking stages die, situationships drag on – it’s worth asking a hard question:

“Is there anything I’m doing that might be getting in the way?”

Dating coaches, matchmakers and therapists who work with singles every day tend to see the same patterns over and over again. Here are some of the big reasons they say people stay single longer than they want to – especially in Naija & the diaspora.

1. You want connection… but your behaviour says “Do not disturb”

Professionals often see a gap between what people say they want and how they actually show up.

• You say you want love, but your profile is blank or chaotic.

• You match with people, but you barely reply or give one-word answers.

• You cancel dates last-minute “just because you’re not in the mood” – repeatedly.

From the outside, this looks like someone who isn’t emotionally available.

Try this instead:

• Add real effort to your profile: clear photos, a short bio that actually says what you care about.

• When you match with someone promising, give the conversation some energy – ask questions, share small stories.

• If you’re genuinely too busy or burnt out to date right now, it’s okay to pause instead of half-trying.

2. Your checklist is unrealistic (or low-key impossible)

Dating professionals say this all the time: some people aren’t looking for a partner, they’re looking for a fantasy.

The list looks like:

• Deeply spiritual but also ultra-rich, super fashionable and always available

• Never married, no kids, earning in pounds or dollars, but ready to relocate whenever

• Perfect body, perfect communication, perfect family background, zero flaws

Meanwhile, you are a human being with your own imperfections. We all are.

High standards are good. Unrealistic ones keep you permanently unsatisfied.

Try this instead:

• Separate your list into non-negotiables (core values, lifestyle dealbreakers) and preferences (height, accent, job type, aesthetics).

• Be open to people who tick your core boxes even if they don’t fit the fantasy perfectly.

• Ask yourself honestly: “Would I date me if I used the same checklist?”

3. You’re still carrying old relationship wounds

Many people are single not because “there are no good men/women,” but because they’re still moving with the pain of the last situation.

Dating pros see it often:

• You assume everyone will cheat because your ex did.

• You test people constantly: delay replies, create jealousy, play games.

• The moment someone is kind, you get suspicious and start pulling away.

Unhealed hurt turns into self-protection, and self-protection (taken too far) turns into emotional distance.

Try this instead:

• Acknowledge what happened. Minimise the ex, not the pain.

• Consider therapy, journaling or a trusted mentor to process it.

• When a new person shows interest, remind yourself: “They are not my past. They deserve to be met as themselves.”

4. You’re only dating inside your comfort zone

Professionals notice that many singles repeat the same pattern with different faces:

• Always choosing the same “type” that never commits

• Only swiping within one tiny age range or location

• Only open to one very specific career, tribe, or personality style

If your “type” has never actually worked for you, it might be time to admit… your type is not working.

Try this instead:

• Widen your filters slightly: age, distance, profession, even physical type.

• Give at least one date to someone who’s not your usual style but shares your values.

• Move your dating life offline sometimes – attend events, social gatherings, interest-based meetups.

Sometimes the problem isn’t that nobody wants you; it’s that you keep fishing in the same tiny pond.

5. Your communication style is pushing people away

Dating professionals hear both sides. Many times it’s not “no chemistry” – it’s communication issues:

• Over-texting, interrogating or trauma-dumping from day one

• Responding with dry replies so the other person has to carry every conversation

• Being vague about what you want, then being angry when people don’t meet needs you never expressed

Try this instead:

• Aim for balance: share, listen, ask questions, and let conversations breathe.

• Say what you’re looking for as things progress: “I’m dating intentionally,” “I’m open to something serious if it’s right.”

• If you lose interest, be honest and kind instead of ghosting.

Good communication doesn’t scare the right person away – it helps them feel safe.

6. You’re waiting for love to “just happen”

Dating pros say one of the biggest blocks is passivity.

You want love, but:

• You never update your photos or profile

• You rarely start conversations

• You’re not on any app, and you also don’t go anywhere new

• You’ve said “I hate dating” so many times that your friends stopped introducing you to anyone

Imagine wanting a new job but never applying, never networking, and never updating your CV. You’d call that unrealistic, right? Same with relationships.

Try this instead:

• Decide on 1–2 apps (like KaWink 😉) and use them with intention, not just scrolling when you’re bored.

• Message first sometimes. A simple, “Hey, your profile caught my eye because…” can go far.

• Show up where your kind of people are likely to be – events, classes, communities.

Love is not a delivery service that just appears at your door. You’re allowed to participate in finding it.

7. Deep down, you’re scared of being chosen

This one is sneaky. On the surface you’re “tired of being single.” But when someone stable, kind and ready appears, you:

• Feel overwhelmed and run back to the situationship that doesn’t require commitment

• Suddenly decide “the timing is wrong”

• Start focusing on tiny flaws to justify why it won’t work

Dating coaches see this as fear of vulnerability:
If someone actually chooses you, you could get hurt for real – so your brain pushes them away to stay safe.

Try this instead:

• Notice when you’re pulling away from healthy interest.

• Ask: “Am I truly not attracted, or am I scared of what this could become?”

• Allow yourself to progress slowly – you don’t have to jump into commitment on date two. Just don’t sabotage it before it starts.

Final thoughts: It’s not about blame, it’s about power

The goal of this list is not to shame you. It’s to give you power.

If the problem is only “other people”, you’re stuck waiting.
If you can see even one thing you might tweak in your own approach, suddenly you have options.

So ask yourself:

• Which of these points feels most like me right now?

• What is one small change I can make this week?

Update your profile. Reply with a little more warmth. Say yes to that invitation. Talk honestly about what you want.

You’re not “still single” because you’re unlovable.
You might just need a small shift in how you show up – and KaWink is here to help with the rest. 💜