Soft Life, Hard Conversations: How to Talk About Expectations Before It’s Too Late

Intro

We love romance, aesthetics and “soft life” moments – brunch dates, cute selfies, matching outfits. But behind every healthy relationship are a few hard conversations that many couples avoid until things explode.

Talking about expectations early doesn’t “spoil the vibe.” It protects your heart and your time. Here are key conversations every Naija & diaspora couple should have before things get too deep.

1. What does “serious” actually mean to you?

For some, “serious” means exclusive dating. For others, it means engagement in a year. Ask:

• “When you say you want something serious, what does that look like in real life?”

• “What’s your ideal timeline for things like moving in, engagement or marriage – even if it changes later?”

You’re not asking for a contract, just a sense of direction.

2. How do you see roles in a relationship?

Culture heavily shapes expectations:

• Should the man always pay for everything?

• What does “submission” or “leadership” mean to each of you?

• How do you both feel about housework, childcare and career ambitions?

You don’t need to agree on everything, but you should know where your values clash so you can decide if you can meet in the middle.

3. How do you handle conflict?

Ask each other:

• “What did conflict look like in your parents’ relationship?”

• “When you’re upset, do you tend to shut down, shout or over-explain?”

• “What helps you calm down and feel heard?”

If one person needs a break and the other panics when conversations pause, you can create a rule like: “If we take a break, we’ll check in again within 24 hours.”

4. What level of privacy vs openness feels right?

In the social media era, this is big.

• Are you both comfortable posting each other online? If yes, when?

• Do you want to keep certain parts of your relationship offline?

• How do you feel about opposite-sex friendships while in a relationship?

Agreeing on these expectations early can prevent many “Why did you post that?” arguments later.

5. What are your non-negotiables?

Everyone has a few things they really can’t compromise on – faith, kids, relocation plans, substance use, lifestyle.

Share them openly, not as threats, but as truths:

• “For me, having children is important.”

• “For me, cheating is a hard no, even once.”

• “I know I want to eventually relocate or eventually move back to Naija.”

Respecting someone’s non-negotiables is kinder than pretending they will change for love.

6. How do we support each other’s dreams?

Soft life is sweeter when both partners feel seen in their ambitions.

• Talk about your career and business goals.

• Ask: “In practical terms, how can we support each other? Time? Encouragement? Money? Connections?”

• Be honest if you feel their dream will impact you (e.g. a job that requires relocation or long hours).

Closing

Hard conversations don’t mean your relationship is in trouble. They are actually signs of maturity, care and respect. When you talk honestly about expectations, you give your relationship a real chance to grow – beyond vibes, beyond aesthetics, into something solid.

Soft life is not just pretty pictures. It’s peace of mind.